I first came into contact with Caleb through
a friend of mine who works in law enforcement.
Whether what he says is true or not is rather incidental to myself, he’s
entertaining and eloquent regardless of his maniacal stories. I sat down with
Caleb in his 4 bedroom, city centre flat and discussed his endeavours over some
camomile, honey and vanilla tea. Janis Joplin played in the background as I
rolled a cigarette and switched on the Dictaphone. He stared out the window
across the city skyline while talking, his peculiar English accent tainted with
a faint Germanic undertone. I noticed his eyelashes were freakishly long.
Hi Caleb! Thanks so much for meeting me, have
you had a busy day?
Yes,
and no. I woke up late so I had a nice long sleep, but then I had to travel
into work at short notice to fix a couple problems I’m having with my team.
Is this your day job you’re talking about?
What is it you do?
I
can’t specify, I do work in media though.
Yeah? I imagined that, that you would have a
creative job.
Ah
it’s not creative, well the medium is but my job is fairly stale. I’m a pen
pusher with an ego and a fancy suit.
So Caleb. Being the nosy creature I am, I
googled your name and two Caleb Coltons sprung up, an old Etonian, eccentric
writer and a character from an eighties horror film, Near Dark. I presume this
is your nom de plume?
Haha!
Yes. For the purposes of this correspondence I chose a pen name. I loved very
much Near Dark as a teenager.
So I think this is a hard topic to bring
about, but can we talk about your extra-curricular endeavours?
My
movies?
Yuh. I would be honoured to hear a little
about your creative process.
Well…..I
always had the fantasy from very early on. Since my early teenage years at least.
I had this old super 8 camera that my mother gave me. I never had expectations
of being Hitchcock, I knew my limitations and cinematic aspirations were never
my ambition. I just liked the aspect of being a voyeur of everyday life. Well
the everyday life of girls my own age anyway. I know you wouldn’t believe it
now, but well…back then I was very unpopular. Girls ignored my advances but
filming them, that meant I could have them without actually having them. But
they lived forever on film. As the years have gone by, the methods have altered
and have been exaggerated, but they still live forever with me. In my soul and in my films.
How do you find your models and actresses,
presumably you don’t go through the normal method of booking girls through an
agent.
Haha!
No! Of course not. They’re mostly girls I meet in the street, poor girls with a
shabby appearance who are eager to make the money. I approach and say I’m a film
director and in need of extras with their appearance. I give them the address
to my studio and the promise of cash.
Do they always except your offer?
No.
Some are nervous. Usually around 7 out of 10 turn up. You look anxious, your
shaking your foot. Are you nervous in my company? Am I the only killer you’ve
met?
Actually no. Moving on…… Could you tell me a
bit about how you……you know actually go about killing your actresses?
(long
pause) The element I enjoy best is surprise. I like them to feel comfortable
and happy only to suddenly scare them. Scare them so much their face contorts
into shock and revulsion. That moment… of revulsion is the moment I love to
capture best. The rest…after that….is fairly insignificant but I carry on
anyway. I have to, it’s a compulsion.
How do you do it? The rest I mean….
A
hammer. It’s over with fairly quickly. These girls…..They’re mostly better off
that way anyway. I like to think I’m doing the Earth a service. It’s over
populated and being constantly destroyed by over usage. We need less people…I’m
very eco conscious. I recycle too. We must save the planet before it’s too
late.
Thank you for your time Caleb.
It’s
been a pleasure. We must meet again sometime.
Yeah…….You’re interesting..
Maybe
I can shoot you sometime.
He pours me some more tea.
